I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid I'll be alone my whole life. I'm afraid I'm the girl who thinks people like her but they just have pity for her. I'm afraid of the color pink. I'm afraid of C's and B's. I'm afraid I'm a disappointment. I'm afraid of never disappointing. Most of all I'm afraid of the rotting happening in my body.
I've been decaying ever so slightly. The stench was so subtle. But it was so familiar. Almost like fresh cut grass.
No one could tell. I still smiled in between the ripping noises resonating from my chest. My parents thought I was still their perfect little doll. They put me on display every where we go. People always say I'm beautiful but they don't see the cruelty behind the mascara.
The smell got stronger ever so slightly. It started out as a hint of the morgue. Next thing I knew my shampoo was smelling like old blood. People asked where I got my perfume. Confused when I giggled and walked away. Walking away from fear is the easiest way out. Every girl thinks easy is the only way to his heart. Easy is familiar. I needed someone who knew me.
Never leaving the house. Spending all my time shut up in my room. They never heard the weeping. They never saw the tears until the river from my bed ran through the living room. Only then did they open their eyes. My decaying body looked week and feeble. They stopped pretending their little girl was okay. Only then did they see death pouring from my eyes. I have never seen so much fear in my fathers eyes.
I've been decaying ever so slightly. The stench was so subtle. But it was so familiar. Almost like fresh cut grass.
No one could tell. I still smiled in between the ripping noises resonating from my chest. My parents thought I was still their perfect little doll. They put me on display every where we go. People always say I'm beautiful but they don't see the cruelty behind the mascara.
The smell got stronger ever so slightly. It started out as a hint of the morgue. Next thing I knew my shampoo was smelling like old blood. People asked where I got my perfume. Confused when I giggled and walked away. Walking away from fear is the easiest way out. Every girl thinks easy is the only way to his heart. Easy is familiar. I needed someone who knew me.
Never leaving the house. Spending all my time shut up in my room. They never heard the weeping. They never saw the tears until the river from my bed ran through the living room. Only then did they open their eyes. My decaying body looked week and feeble. They stopped pretending their little girl was okay. Only then did they see death pouring from my eyes. I have never seen so much fear in my fathers eyes.
The zombie apocalypse must be coming sooner than everyone expected because my heart stopped beating 6 weeks again. My blood stopped flowing a month ago. My leg fell off 36 hours ago. My hands turned to ice 95 minuets ago. I only knew I was dying 30 seconds ago. I thought I was just sad. I thought the bitterness would go away but just like those dreaded clowns it kept coming back. And back. And back. Are you afraid of liars? Then BOO. It never left. Just like fear it was ALWAYS hanging over my head. Back then I had the strength push it back. And back. And back. Only for a little while. Some moments I felt like myself again. I haven't been eating my Wheaties, my muscles are sore from the load, my head is about to explode due to A.P calculus, and I've just grown tired of this silly game. No I just let him stay. Striking fear into my bones like Zeus. Like a God fear reminds me why my life is in turmoil. Reminding me how damn lonely I am. Reminding me how annoying everyone in Utah county is. Reminding me it not them it's me. I'm the reason I have no friends. I'm the reason I'm lonely. I'M THE CANCER THAT KILLED ME.
I've never written a eulogy. But here it goes. Gemma Janes was a beautiful girl. She smiled big and laughed louder. Gemma Janes cared too much about her future. Gemma Janes was a horrible friend. Gemma Janes didn't have very much fun in high school. Gemma Janes was very depressed. Gemma Janes was lost. Gemma Janes cried so many tears her parents thought she wet the bed. Gemma Janes was dying inside. So rest in peace Gemma. Your mom and dad will really miss you.
This post breaks my heart. I think your a beautiful writer, and maybe you're dying, but you're writing is alive with every word.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we don't know each other, but I know what your hands are saying, stay strong Gemma. And know that you, and you're talent, are beautiful and completely irreplaceable.
oh man. this is powerful and its breaking my heart. If this is real I'm giving you a hug right now. actually either way I am.
ReplyDeletemore people than just mom and dad would miss you.
and your writing is deep and it cuts to the soul,
you have beautiful words.
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ReplyDeleteI'm not good with words. And this is so beautiful I don't know how to make this comment mean as much as I want it to mean to you. But Jane & Everett I think are inspired with their words. I also believe their words speak for so many. Please remember that you are loved. Keep going, you're gonna make it to beautiful places.
ReplyDeleteThis hit me harder than any of the other posts I've read lately. This is real and this is so raw and this is heartbreaking. This cut me so deep and I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Keep your chin up, you can do it. I believe in Gemma Janes.
ReplyDelete*I believe in (insert your real name here).
DeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteso a few things first, before you think i'm a creeper I am at work right now and i've been sitting at a computer for 5 hours and i felt nostalgic, one thing led to another and somehow i ended up on your blog.
Anyways
I've read a couple of your posts and I really enjoyed your blog. I know you probably dislike me and maybe you'll never see this comment because college and everything but I just wanted to tell you I liked your blog and it reminded me a lot of myself.
other things, i hope i see you around campus sometime because I want the chance to say hi to you and maybe it'll be awkward I don't know but we are grown up now and i know you still blocked me on twitter and stuff lol
i bet you're a really fun person and the older i get the more i regret not getting to know more people at lone peak. I hope you're enjoying BYU (i hate the die hard cougar fans too)
Bonnie I am so happy you reached out to me. The reason I blocked you on Twitter was you posted about Mckay a few times and I got really jealous and it was VERY immature I am very sorry. I would love to say hi haha I have nothing against you I don't really even know you but I feel like we are similar. Hope we can be friends.
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