43 degrees

my fingertips are cold.  i don't know if it's the dark thoughts im suppressing or the fact that i have another 6 hour shift in hell.

my arms are numb. it might be all the ice cream i ate tonight or it might be the fact that my best friend will be 4 hours away at the most frightening time in my life.

my chest is an ice box. i think it's because i never really wanted to be a cougar anyway. rise and shout i suppose.

 my body is numb. but i'd rather be numb when i drown than feel the water laughing as it pulls me down.

pocket lint

18. 19. 97.



When do things start slipping from our mind?
I'm 18 and half of my childhood slipped long ago.
I remember her bright eyes.
I remember Mr. Okey
I remember his warm smile.
I remember 4 square.
I remember loud laughs and full belly's.
I remember the scraps and cuts that were more valuable than gold.
I remember my last day.
I remember fresh watermelon.
I remember puppy breath and soft kisses.
I remember DC's and how cool I thought I was for owning them.
I remember being afraid of getting my first bra.
I remember thinking everyone was kind.
I remember when boys were finally cured from the cooties.
I wish boys wouldn't have been.

As I try to remember things are still slowly slipping. Falling from my mind and becoming pocket lint.
As I search my jeans I find so many memories.
My 6th kiss.
The second day of high school.
My 9th time at space camp.
All our old inside jokes
How insecure I was
How beautiful my sister was
Notes about my first crush
How excited I was to get my drivers license
My second flight on an airplane
Peeta Mellark
The first time I held hands
The first day without recess
How it felt to have braces
How far 20 seemed.
My obsession with the Jonas Brothers
How far 20 seemed.

Maybe I'll never throw my jeans away again.

Him

I know I always write about love but I'm 18 with the stars in my eyes.

And he's younger but his heart seems to be synchronized to mine.

My mom always told me love made the world go 'round so maybe that's why my heart is two sizes too large.

I don't blame her for having a picture of you in her room.

Because you kiss me like I'm your entire universe.

You speak of me like the Ocean speaks of the shore.

My fingers get tangled in your hair and your words.

You're..... most...... beautiful..... seen..... thing....... the...... I've..........ever...... beautiful...... beau........

I know I always write about love but I'm 18 with the stars in my eyes.

He looks really good in the color gray and smiles with his entire face.

He sings but only at night time

My eyes study him for hours. I still have 4 F's.

His hands are the Milky Way holding me in his universe for days.

And I think I'm falling in love with him. 

My mind tries to explain the song my heart is softly singing.

You're.....and......incredible.....stars.....my......in.......the......and.....I.........eyes.......love.........you.

raps pt. 2

I'm sitting here all alone 

Wondering, how I got so old

I turn 18 in 6 days 

The club will truly be going up on a Tuesday

High school has gone so fast

But let's be real it still sucks assssk

Me how often I go to class 

I only go to class where we spit sick raps

Remember the days when Math made sense

And the world ended at your picket fence

I miss the snacks the naps the picture books

I'm not sure how I'll survive in a world full of crooks

Don't be fooled I'm as bad as an Nicki

I'm smooth on the mic just like Biggie

Nelson thanks for a safe place to write and spit 

I hope to see you all after May 30th

rip

You always had a stellar laugh.

It's 10:51 and my room is an ice box. All of my toes have frost bite and I'm 99 percent sure my heart does to. 

They were so young.

I can't help but cry. Cry for them. Cry for their families. Cry for their short life. Cry for me. 

It's 10:53 and I don't give a damn about AP psychology. Because the chairs in my classrooms are slowly starting to empty. 

It's now 10:55 and my pillow is soaking. 

I will always remember playing at recess with you. You were so full of life. Weren't we all? 

My boots are heavy from the floods that have been destroying us and I don't know how to swim. 

Neither did you. 

I wanted to throw you a line but you never liked having help. At least I think so, my brain is a little fuzzy from my heavy boots. 

It's 11:01. I can't sleep. I don't want to. Because I will have to wake up and see puffy eyes and quivering  lips. 

We all want change but it keeps happening. 

When will the change come?

We all want change but this keeps happening.

When will the change come? 

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? 

It's 11:06 and all I can say is rest in peace Terik. Lone peak won't be the same with out your smile and your wonderful laugh. 

PSA.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

You're freaking awesome. 

I'm tired of people with hearts of pure gold crying because they think they are ugly, fat, too short, stocky, plain, twiggy or anything less than amazing.

We are all different. Different shapes, and sizes. We all enjoy different things. We all cry for different reasons. We all like different toppings on our pizza. So why put people in categories? 

Why does someone get to decide what's beautiful and what isn't? I say SCREW PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE.
You may say brown eyes are boring but brown eyes make my heart skip a beat. I like hair that looks like I just crawled out of bed, I like boys with kind eyes, and a big smile. I don't care if their teeth are crooked or they have zits. But no matter how many times you've been told "beauty isn't what is on the outside it's comes from with in" we all never believe it. WAKE UP PEOPLE, MOMS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

Beauty isn't looking like a barbie doll. Beauty is seeing someones eyes light up when they talk about something that they love. Beauty is the moles that you've always hated but she loves. Beauty is the crooked smile that breaks across your face. Beauty is your blistered hands. Beauty is the curly hair that you can't control. Beauty is your laugh that could break a wine glass.

There is beauty in everything and everyone.

You know what, if you look in the mirror and think you're ugly you don't need to get a nose job, you need to get a new frame of mind.

So dry your eyes and smile. No one can tell you what you are and what you aren't. Just kidding, I can. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. Please believe me this time. Because I love the way the freckles look on your nose, and your smile is my most favorite thing I've ever seen. 

hags?

When we took a dip, the ocean breathed for the 1st time. We were the most beautiful thing he'd ever felt. Love asks us to do the craziest things. Being so pure we jump to do her every will.

The moon cried on Nov.16.2014. Through his whimpering he whispered in my ear. He's never seen anything so bold but so quietly beautiful.

He says I love you with his whole being. Which is frightening. I'm scared but I'm in love with screaming.

The stars danced for the 1st time your lips jumped onto mine. I know because on my trip to my moon,  I passed the stars doing a graceful waltz. The stars giggled and told me "love is a breathtaking and fleeting." I cried on my commute back into the atmosphere.

Your lips taste like 2:14. My heart is buried beneath the play ground. I dream of you like I dream of 2:15. We could laugh until my 83rd birthday.

I'm afraid of turning 84.

I don't really don't know how to end this.

But I remember the way your voice sounds like when you say the 3 letter phrase.

I remember the way your thumb hovers over my hands.

I don't really know how to end this.

But I do know I like the way your eyes light up when they meet mine.

I know your eyes are my favorite shade of tomorrow.

I know your lips are a rocket that travels at light speed.

I know that high school love is cheap.

I don't really know how to end this.

I'll see you soon?
I'll see you next summer?
I'll see you....
When I see you.