Tell Me Your Story

"The Eyes are the window to your soul”  -William Shakespeare

I've always believed you can read a persons story by looking into their eyes. I guess Shakespeare believed the same thing. #stolen

He was the all American boy. Brown hair, big laugh, bright blue eyes. The oceans churned every time he looked at me. His soul was calm and warm like a summer breeze. Sadly, I've found I like way the sand feels between my toes more than the salt water in my nose.

She never liked the color green. Still, the forest grows in her eyes. Boys take caution, it's easy to get lost amongst the beauty of the trees.

He thinks brown eyes are boring. His soul smells of cinnamon. I try to tell him "everyone likes the taste of milk chocolate." I've always liked aura of sweet dark amber. He doesn't know I've had cinnamon candles in my room for as long as I can remember. 

Remember when our eyes were full of eagerness and hope? Last time I walked the halls they were full of tears, drowsiness, and pupils the size of the moon. You didn't have an appointment with an eye doctor.

The teachers see us, but sadly few of us see ourselves.

I see you. I see a glimpse of your soul. I see beauty, courage, disappointment, love, fear, kindness, hate, boredom, and fascination. 

No matter the color of your eyes you're brilliant and beautiful and unique.

So wipe the tears that have been falling for months.

Look at yourself in the mirror and smile.

Your soul is beautiful. So read me your story. I've been dying to hear it.

i guess I'm having fun

If my life goes as fast these past 3 years have gone then I will be 84 by next week.
Every time I blink I am one year older and not much wiser.
4 periods seems like an eternity, but some where between 1st lunch and 2nd lunch I wound up in my senior year. Being honest I wouldn't know how grueling eternity can be because I haven't been to all 4 periods this entire year.

My bags are all packed, but I'm not ready to say my good byes.

2 years is too long.
Maybe if we measured time in songs instead of days it wouldn't seem so daunting.
A lot can happen in an album. Mostly because he looks so beautiful when he sings.
During "gossamer" I've gained 10 pounds, gained a pessimistic attitude, and finally understand why people always say "time flies when you're having fun."
I must be having the time of my life. 

You know if I could rename senior year I would name it "bitter-sweet".
Freshman
Sophomore
Junior
Bitter-Sweet
There are so many bitter things about high school. The traffic in the morning. (yes I am one of those ass wholes who cuts every one off. Sorry. Actually I'm only kind of sorry) The gross couples who think it's okay to be in love at school. It's not. The smell. The bathrooms. The awkward eye contact in the hall ways.

Thankfully,  there are these moments that are sweet. Those, those are moments we will remember when we are wrinkly by next Sunday. I will remember how hard I laughed at homecoming. I will remember my first kiss. I will remember seeing Britt after he got back from Hawaii. I will remember being a wild cat for a day. I will remember the baby powder at the football game. I will remember car surfing. I will remember falling in love with writing in Mr. Nelsons class. I will remember going insane with the one and only, Natalie Pliler. I will remember nights in the rain that took my breathe away. I will remember my first ceramics class. I will remember the night we won state. I will remember our first date. I will remember New Years Eve 2012. I will remember the nights that were so sweet I was high from the sugar rush.

Luckily, I've always had a sweet tooth. I've always craved those moments. Let me share some wisdom with you. Get in really close so you can hear it. Some times, sweet moments just fall right in your lap. But most of the time, you have to make your own. Find your own sugar in the vegetable isle. High school (and life) will be much more enjoyable.

I hope to see you all at our 25th class reunion. We will all laugh about the sweet moments because the bitter ones have drifted out of our ears. We can all laugh and reminisce the time we all forced people to kiss on top of cars and podiums. We can talk about the time we set goats amongst the school. We can talk about the time we took a trip to Paris. The city was so beautiful. The dessert was so sweet. Leaving was so bitter.

Au Revoir Paris

If you really knew me you'd know my room is always messy. 

You would know my hair is always messy.

You would know my life is always messy. 

#realtalk I'm a mess. 

If you really knew me you'd know I laugh WAY too loud and way too often. Sorry I just can't help it.

If you really knew me you'd know why my pen name is Gemma Janes.

You would know I'm NEVER on time to first period. Or anything for that matter.

You'd know when I say "I'm almost there," I'm just leaving. 

If you really knew me you'd know I play my music way too loud. 

You would know I love cats. More than people. 

You would know I love swearing. I find it hilarious. 

You would know I go to Chick-Fil-A a few times a week. 

You'd know the workers know me by name and order.

You would know I'm in love with the ocean. 

You would know I gave bits of my soul away to the sky a few weeks ago. 

You would know my room is always and ice box. Like my chest. 

If you really knew me you'd know I fall in and out of love way too easily. 

You'd know 99% of my posts are about love. 

I hope I made you all fall in love with some thing. 

Because you all made me fall in love with Paris. 

Stay naive, stay brilliant. 

Yours Truly: McCall Andrus 

I remember.

I remember how much I loved July.

I remember my kindergarten teacher. She called me love bug.

I remember my sister shoving socks in my mouth. 

I remember when my 6th grade crush came to play at my house. 

I remember how embarrassed I was when he saw all my Barbies I still played with.

I remember how exciting it was when my cat had kittens.

I remember how bad it hurt when I first fell off my bike. I still hate riding bikes. 

I remember the feeling of soaring the higher and higher I got on the swings. 

I remember how hard I would try to stay awake year after year. 

I remember how disappointed I was the next morning when I fell asleep before the clock stuck midnight. I always missed the celebrations. Now I'm writing this at 2 a.m. 

I remember how excited I was when I found a penny. 

I remember how scared I was of the number 3. 

I remember the tears washing my face when I had to give my kitty away. 

I remember how badly I wanted to grow up. 

I remember how warm my blanky was. 

I remember throwing up my favorite baloney sandwich. I haven't eaten baloney in years.

I remember my first win. 

I remember my latest loss. 

I remember how beautiful my sister was at her graduation. I won't look as good in that cap and gown this year.

I remember thinking how long I had to wait to put my favorite key chain on my car keys. 

I remember screaming the first time I drove alone. 

I remember the smell of my grandmas closet. 

I remember begging for quarters everywhere I went. 

I remember how bouncy those bouncy balls were. I always lost them after 1-2 bounces. 

I remember how much I loved cold hot dogs. 

I remember thinking how old my siblings seemed when they were in high school. I still act and feel like I'm 7.

I remember not wanting to be a little kid anymore. 

I remember not wanting to be 17 anymore. 

Black out.

A picture is worth 1,000 words.

boo.

I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid I'll be alone my whole life. I'm afraid I'm the girl who thinks people like her but they just have pity for her. I'm afraid of the color pink. I'm afraid of C's and B's. I'm afraid I'm a disappointment. I'm afraid of never disappointing. Most of all I'm afraid of the rotting happening in my body.

I've been decaying ever so slightly. The stench was so subtle. But it was so familiar. Almost like fresh cut grass.

No one could tell. I still smiled in between the ripping noises resonating from my chest. My parents thought I was still their perfect little doll. They put me on display every where we go. People always say I'm beautiful but they don't see the cruelty behind the mascara.

The smell got stronger ever so slightly. It started out as a hint of the morgue. Next thing I knew my shampoo was smelling like old blood. People asked where I got my perfume. Confused when I giggled and walked away. Walking away from fear is the easiest way out. Every girl thinks easy is the only way to his heart. Easy is familiar. I needed someone who knew me.

Never leaving the house. Spending all my time shut up in my room. They never heard the weeping. They never saw the tears until the river from my bed ran through the living room. Only then did they open their eyes. My decaying body looked week and feeble. They stopped pretending their little girl was okay. Only then did they see death pouring from my eyes. I have never seen so much fear in my fathers eyes.

The zombie apocalypse must be coming sooner than everyone expected because my heart stopped beating 6 weeks again. My blood stopped flowing a month ago. My leg fell off 36 hours ago. My hands turned to ice 95 minuets ago. I only knew I was dying 30 seconds ago. I thought I was just sad. I thought the bitterness would go away but just like those dreaded clowns it kept coming back. And back. And back. Are you afraid of liars? Then BOO. It never left. Just like fear it was ALWAYS hanging over my head. Back then I had the strength push it back. And back. And back. Only for a little while. Some moments I felt like myself again.   I haven't been eating my Wheaties, my muscles are sore from the load, my head is about to explode due to A.P calculus, and I've just grown tired of this silly game. No I just let him stay. Striking fear into my bones like Zeus. Like a God fear reminds me why my life is in turmoil. Reminding me how damn lonely I am. Reminding me how annoying everyone in Utah county is. Reminding me it not them it's me. I'm the reason I have no friends. I'm the reason I'm lonely. I'M THE CANCER THAT KILLED ME. 

I've never written a eulogy. But here it goes. Gemma Janes was a beautiful girl. She smiled big and laughed louder. Gemma Janes cared too much about her future. Gemma Janes was a horrible friend. Gemma Janes didn't have very much fun in high school. Gemma Janes was very depressed. Gemma Janes was lost. Gemma Janes cried so many tears her parents thought she wet the bed. Gemma Janes was dying inside. So rest in peace Gemma. Your mom and dad will really miss you.