A picture is worth 1,000 words.

boo.

I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid I'll be alone my whole life. I'm afraid I'm the girl who thinks people like her but they just have pity for her. I'm afraid of the color pink. I'm afraid of C's and B's. I'm afraid I'm a disappointment. I'm afraid of never disappointing. Most of all I'm afraid of the rotting happening in my body.

I've been decaying ever so slightly. The stench was so subtle. But it was so familiar. Almost like fresh cut grass.

No one could tell. I still smiled in between the ripping noises resonating from my chest. My parents thought I was still their perfect little doll. They put me on display every where we go. People always say I'm beautiful but they don't see the cruelty behind the mascara.

The smell got stronger ever so slightly. It started out as a hint of the morgue. Next thing I knew my shampoo was smelling like old blood. People asked where I got my perfume. Confused when I giggled and walked away. Walking away from fear is the easiest way out. Every girl thinks easy is the only way to his heart. Easy is familiar. I needed someone who knew me.

Never leaving the house. Spending all my time shut up in my room. They never heard the weeping. They never saw the tears until the river from my bed ran through the living room. Only then did they open their eyes. My decaying body looked week and feeble. They stopped pretending their little girl was okay. Only then did they see death pouring from my eyes. I have never seen so much fear in my fathers eyes.

The zombie apocalypse must be coming sooner than everyone expected because my heart stopped beating 6 weeks again. My blood stopped flowing a month ago. My leg fell off 36 hours ago. My hands turned to ice 95 minuets ago. I only knew I was dying 30 seconds ago. I thought I was just sad. I thought the bitterness would go away but just like those dreaded clowns it kept coming back. And back. And back. Are you afraid of liars? Then BOO. It never left. Just like fear it was ALWAYS hanging over my head. Back then I had the strength push it back. And back. And back. Only for a little while. Some moments I felt like myself again.   I haven't been eating my Wheaties, my muscles are sore from the load, my head is about to explode due to A.P calculus, and I've just grown tired of this silly game. No I just let him stay. Striking fear into my bones like Zeus. Like a God fear reminds me why my life is in turmoil. Reminding me how damn lonely I am. Reminding me how annoying everyone in Utah county is. Reminding me it not them it's me. I'm the reason I have no friends. I'm the reason I'm lonely. I'M THE CANCER THAT KILLED ME. 

I've never written a eulogy. But here it goes. Gemma Janes was a beautiful girl. She smiled big and laughed louder. Gemma Janes cared too much about her future. Gemma Janes was a horrible friend. Gemma Janes didn't have very much fun in high school. Gemma Janes was very depressed. Gemma Janes was lost. Gemma Janes cried so many tears her parents thought she wet the bed. Gemma Janes was dying inside. So rest in peace Gemma. Your mom and dad will really miss you.